Falling Pianos

All things that "strike a chord" in me.

An Open Letter To Hollywood: Re: Reboot-mania

I’ve held my tongue long enough. I can be silent no more.

Please, for the love of all that is good and pure: stop rebooting my childhood.

I discovered today that Disney is planning a remake of “Pete’s Dragon.” This comes on the heels of the news that there will also be remakes and reboots of “Escape From New York”, “Flatliners”, “Romancing The Stone”, and many others.

Apparently, creativity and originality are no longer valued in the studio offices in California. I imagine the following scene happens on a daily basis out there:

FAT CAT MOVIE MOGUL: So, I read your script.

HOPEFUL WRITER: Thank you for taking the time. What did you think?

FCMM: Well, it’s good, but I don’t think the public will go for it. No one has ever seen or done anything like this before.

HW: That’s kind of the point. It’s anew take on the idea of time travel, on that no one has really broached before. I think it would translate well to the screen and be a fresh look at . . .

FCMM: That’s all well and good, but I’d like you to take a crack at this reimagining of the “Danger Mouse” cartoon. We’re thinking of going live action/CGI with it, and getting Jason Statham to star . . .

And so it goes. Nostalgis becomes big business, and my childhood gets dismantled and shoddily rebuilt, memory by sweet defiled memory.

If you insist on continuing this crusade to destroy my fond memories of the pop culture of my childhood, then I humbly offer these suggestions as an effort to help you make them something less than atrocious.

HIGHLANDER

Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery, both with inappropriate accents (“Sean, we need you to play a Spaniard. Can you do that?” “Yesh, but he’ll be a Shpaniard rrraished in Shcotland.”) helped make this movie the 1986 cult classic that it is. Rebooting the series is borderline geek sacrilege. But the Hollywood machine rolls on.

Ryan Reynolds has been attached to star in the remake. Let him keep working on Deadpool and whatever romantic comedies he has in the works. Don’t make him Connor McLeod. Please. Ewan MacGregor, maybe. Gerard Butler, sure. Not Ryan Reynolds.

As for Ramirez, how about Liam Neeson? Put him in there with MacGregor and let them try to redeem their participation in “The Phantom Menace.” Edward James Olmos, Captain Adama himself, would be excellent, and could hold his own mentoring Butler.

THE THIN MAN

It’s hard for me to imagine anyone other than William Powell and Myrna Loy in these iconic roles, but Johnny Depp is a good start, I must admit. The female lead in this has to be just as strong and quick witted to make it work. Rachel McAdams could do really well in this, based on her work in the Sherlock Holmes movies. I could also see Tina Fey take this one on. It’d be nice to see her in something a little more dramatic,but still able to flex her considerable comedic muscle.

Please, do not make this a man-out-of-time comedy spoof, a la “Dark Shadows.” Come up with a smart, compelling mystery, and let the original Dasheill Hammett characters shine.

SHORT CIRCUIT

No. Just no. Don’t do it. Set it down and step away from this very slowly.

ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK

This is just about the only one I might look forward to, if you can get it right. Kurt Russell’s Snake Plissken was one of my favorite reluctant heroes of the silver screen, and you MUST get the right casting to do this one justice. I can really only think of two people who could come close to pulling this one off: Hugh Jackman or Jason Statham. Pull out all the stops on this, or it will end up at the dollar theater within 2 hours of initial release.

Finally, there is a remake that is begging to be made: “Stakeout.” I loved the original with Richard Dreyfuss and Emelio Estevez, and the story can still hold up today without much change. Update the gags, and get the right cast, and it could be great. Here’s how you do it: put Steve Carell in the Dreyfuss role, and Jason Segel in the Estevez role. Madeline Stowe’s part is done by Mila Kunis, and the villain, originally Aidan Quinn, is played by Tom Hardy. The script remains largely unchanged, except for updating the cultural references, and it’s a winner.

There you have it. If you need any more suggestions, I’ll just be over here having a small memorial service for the 1980’s.

Sincerely,

Me

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This entry was posted on March 21, 2013 by in fun, Geek, Movies.

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